There is a lot of trial and error that goes into packing a diaper bag when you are hauling around a few kids. How many blowouts will your newborn have? What will your toddler spill down the front of his brand new shirt? Will I need more than six diapers during my time I’m away?
What if I were to tell you that us oldies need a few must-haves when we are out and about, too. For the sake of a good laugh (or we will cry) let’s just call this:
The Guide to Packing an Old Lady Diaper Bag
Affiliate links included for your convenience.
The Perfect Bag: You will want a nice looking bag or tote to disguise the contents. You don’t want it to scream, “Look… I am carrying my old lady diaper bag. ” I recommend one that is pretty on the outside but has pockets for organizing the below items. Or this back pack if you want to look sporty!
Dark Chocolate: Eating dark chocolate can make you happy and improve your brain function. Don’t believe me? Google it. 😂 Not only does it act as a mood stabilizer (think hot flash and mood swings) but it will give you that sugar rush. (think low energy) It will kill two birds with one stone. Always keep a piece of delicious dark chocolate somewhere handy to release those happy endorphins. Warning: Sugar can make hot flashes worse, and create an even worse than normal insomnia sitch. So eat sparingly.
Energy Bar: Let’s face it. Energy is at an all time low and hunger is at an all time high. Keep a Lara energy bar in your old lady diaper bag for those days when you are starving immediately after eating your lunch.
Fresh Undies: I recommend a few extras. Sneezing, standing, laughing, jumping, running, walking, coughing, bouncing, and pretty much just sitting can make us oldies need a change of undies. I lovingly refer to this as “pissy pants.” A clean change of undies will prepare you for any situation that may arise.
Panty Liners: Panty liners serve as two purposes. They will suffice when you’ve gone through your fresh pair of undies above. And, they will be readily available when you start your period…….. AGAIN. 😡
Wipes: Cleansing and deodorizing adult wipes are needed for a multitude of things. Along with the pissy pants problem and the possibility of starting of your period you haven’t had for 9 months, they can also be used for your hog barn smelling armpits.
Natural Deodorant: Two hours after leaving the house, and after using the above adult wipes to freshen up the old pits, apply another application of a good natural deodorant. This is a definite must! (Read why I use an all natural deodorant.)
Fan: Obvies, the fan is for the hot flashes. But there are many different types of fans that are available these days. There are these very pretty paper foldable fans that you can tuck into the side of your purse or old lady diaper bag to use while waiting in a check out line. There are, also, some new fangled whirly gig fans that plug into your cell phone. And handheld models that are portable and can be charged with any USB port.
Amber Misting Bottle: Add a few drops of peppermint oil to an amber misting bottle and fill with water. Use this to spray your neck and face. The water will lead you to believe you were a little overzealous in your spraying techniques rather than facing the fact there are sweat beads rolling down your face.
Sweater: Following a debilitating hot flash, you are sometimes left with wet clothing and then get chilled. Throw in an extra sweater for these moments.
Sweat Pants: When you just can’t stand to be in your tight pants any longer, sweat pants are the perfect solution for those long car rides home. Oh…and for the possibility of the pissy pants sitch above. 🤦🏻♀️
Moisturizing Lotion: Because you will now have the skin of a reptile, you will need some extra moisturizing lotion for your scales.
Fidget Spinner: Fidget Spinners are promoted as helping people who have trouble focusing. There are claims that it helps children with ADHD, ADD, and Autism to calm down and stop fidgeting. (think MADD – menopausal attention deficit disorder) Take it from someone who has one…. it works. 😂 I have the typical fidget spinner but saw a few newer models on the market. You can never have enough in my opinion. Keep one in your side table by your “nest on the couch” and one in your old lady diaper bag. But you will definitely want to splurge on a high quality model. Trust me, I know this too. 😂
Strong Reading Glasses: You can never have enough readers. I buy them in a package of four. As most of you know, I have them on top of my head at all times. Tuck another pair into the pocket of your old lady diaper bag for those moments when you can’t find the ones that are on the top of your head. 🤣
Tweezers: Do I even need to explain? 😫 I sure like this idea of these illuminating tweezers with a lipstick case.
Large Portable Magnifying Mirror: After the initial shock of what you actually look like in a magnifying mirror, accept, and move on. This large 4″ magnifying mirror comes in very handy when your spouse is driving. Use in conjunction with the above tweezers.
Pain Reliever: Pain reliever is a necessity. Not only for the joint pain and muscle aches, but the hormonal headaches are nothing to laugh at.
Word Search Book: Just when you think you can’t deal with another stupid person, resort to your car over your lunch hour, and do a mindless LARGE print word search or even a crossword puzzle to keep your mind fit. 😂
Head Phones: Listen to your favorite tunes with a great set of head phones to drown out all of the distractions around you. Music is the best therapy in my book and can take you back to places from your past.
We have two choices in this phase of mid-life or 3/4 life…whatever it is. We can laugh about the fact that each and every single one of us truly needs an old lady diaper bag, or will be needing one in the future. Or we can cry.
I choose to laugh my way through it all.
Thanks so much for stopping by for a visit. I cannot tell you how much it means to me and I pledge my love from deep down inside of my old lady heart! ❤
Buh bye, now!
Danelle
Pam Runyon in Menopausal Missouri says
Excellent. Funny …. and yet not since all are freaking, crazy true.
Danelle Harvey says
hahahahaha they are. 🤣😫
Linda says
Lol, first of all I need a bigger bag……and seriously, what good tips…..and most importantly, try to laugh your way through this (but be sure you packed your fresh liners and undies)😯😆😅😄😃😂🤣
Danelle Harvey says
hahahahah seriously. 😂🤦🏻♀️
Brigit Zdon says
Once again you got it all. Love the bag… the tweezers with the glasses is unfortunately so true! I have not peed my pants but these recommendations will prepare me for what is coming. Oh brother.. 🙄
Danelle Harvey says
hahahahaha Exactly. It’s a nightmare we either have to laugh or cry about. 🤣
Sheila Osburn says
You hit the mark on all!!! Great suggestions as well!! I love your description “pissey pants” 😂 Thank you for talking about and bringing up ALL the ‘lovelies’ with this age that usually we don’t talk about! I thought I was a freak of nature 😂👹. I’m sharing with all my MF ( menopausal friends)! Great blog post!! Thanks😊
Danelle Harvey says
hahahaha Thank you! 😘
Mary Anne says
Now should we carry this bag or leave it in the car ! 😂😂😳
Wanda (athomeoncliffrose) says
And also add a small bottle of wine (preferably white because red can cause hot flashes) to go with the dark chocolate and /or miniatures of vodka to calm your nerves, just in case you get so annoyed with people you won’t want to knock the hell out of them. Optional-small jar of green olives to make a martini with the vodka.🤠
Danelle Harvey says
hahahaha great suggestions. 🤣
Michelle G says
I had to pop in and read this because your laughter on insta stories lured me in. So funny, and I know this is helpful for women in that phase of life. I’m not quite there yet, but it tickles me to know that laughter is still there in the midst of all that life change. 🙂
Danelle Harvey says
hahahahaha It will be here before you know it. 😂
Suki Korp (kikisuliere) says
I didn’t need a diaper bag. No leaking problem. Until. My doctor prescribed a diuretic to help get my blood pressure under control. Now I am finding these suggestions to be more helpful.
Danelle Harvey says
hahahaha It’s always something. 🤦🏻♀️
Mara says
Yep, you nailed this right on the head! Laughing till I peed…no worries though, I am prepared for those moments 😂🤣😂
Danelle Harvey says
hahahahaha 😂
Jennifer Thayer says
There is a company called Mood Swing Wines here in Chico and you should look into them possibly providing small, emergency sized bottles of wine to place in ones Old Lady Bags 🙂
Love you!
Danelle Harvey says
hahahahahaha OMG..I can imagine. I need to look them up. Love you, too!
Sandra Raeside says
Lizard skin lol 😂
Danelle Harvey says
hahahaha truth…. sadly.
Gerry says
This is all so true! I read on a diet website that one should drink half one’s body weight in water every day to help lose weight. Guess who has pissy pants every time she stands up?????
Danelle Harvey says
hahahahaha Trust me… me too. 😂
Gerry says
I meant to say half one’s body weight on OUNCES of water!!!! Menopause brain at work!!!!!
Carol says
Yup, you nailed it again! I love your humorous wisdom! You are a trend setter!
Danelle Harvey says
hahaha thank you! 😘
Kim says
🤣🤘 Theisens had sweatpants with pockets 🙌 I bought every freakin color! Sometimes I want to wear a sign around my neck, communicate at your own risk. Or maybe we need alittle digital thing that we can program personal messages? Don’t risk it-not today-I have a sharp object etc…
Danelle Harvey says
hahshahahahaha 🤣 That’s hilarious.
Karen says
I am going to pack my bag. Thanks for the tips.
Danelle Harvey says
hahaha I swear. I was thinking, I should probably be prepared. 🤔
Lori S. says
I should have known from reading the last post to not have food or drink in my mouth. I just about blew a Rolo through my nose.
Danelle Harvey says
hahahahaha I wish I had a rolo right about now. 😋 haha they need to be added to this list.
Bobbi says
Oh my gosh…everything you said here is true. If i dont have the problem, one of my friends do 😂😂😂 I agree, we need to laugh our way through.
Danelle Harvey says
Truly, we do. 😂
Christina VanMale says
😆😆😆 ..i would also add breath mints or something else to alleviate old lady coffee breath! And, Rolaids might be right up there on my list for all the friggin’ digestive issues i now have.😬 Otherwise..bravo! Love your stuff..
Danelle Harvey says
hahahah OMG.. you are right. 🤣
Michelle says
Hahaha girl. You took my idea to the next level!!! The old lady diaper bag is a legit need for us 50-plusers!! Love how you keep it real. If we don’t laugh, we’ll cry. Thanks for being you!! oxox
Danelle Harvey says
hahaha sad but true. Thank you!
Cathy says
How the heck am I going to lift my bag with this darned arthritis in my back?😩
Great ideas, fun read! Thanks, Danelle!
Danelle Harvey says
hahahahaha Exactly…. me too. And my hips are always out of alignment. 😕
Robin Dickson says
Love this post it is dead on😂 You really hit all the things you need. I add in the original Wet Wipes because it never fails if I wear a white shirt I am going to end up where I’m going with coffee on the front of my shirt and I never know I do it til I get there and look down at my crumb catchers. Our wardrobe department swears by this to get out just about anything and I have found it usually works. My son even told his GF the other day when they were coming to visit after she spilled her coffee down the front of her shirt “ don’t worry Mom will have on her pajama top and it will have coffee stains down the front.” And he was right😂😂😂
Danelle Harvey says
ahahahahahaha hilarious.
Gloria says
OMG love all this, but sadly so true. I would add in a hankie or in my case, a bandana, cause my head sweats so much. Don’t know why I bother fixing my hair 😨, it usually gets soaked. Maybe one off those crushable hats would be good to add. I have been known to wear two panties just to try and keep my pants dry. And not just from the pissy pants, but from the sweating 😨😨😨😭😭😱 Lordy Lordy I’m on fire 🔥🚒
Danelle Harvey says
hahahaha I get it…trust me. 😜
Angela says
Hey Danielle!
Can you please tell me about the black bag in the photos?
Danelle Harvey says
I will have to see if I can find it. I’ll look at the tag because I cannot remember where I bought it.
Kimberly Thomas says
I had to read this! I totally love the bag and of course anything leather as I am horribly hard on them. I love being able to throw ‘stuff’ I collect thru my day when asked if I need a bag or here’s your paperwork from yet another dr appointment 🙄. Anyway, yes to all these goodies. Thank you for sharing. I always am that one who needs tweezers-or whatever sand say I cannot carry them due to airport security… well I have not flown in over ten years!!! Hahaha but there’s always that one time I have to go to pick someone else up living their best life, and bam.. searched by security.. 🙄✌🏻✌🏻
Danelle Harvey says
hahahhah I get it.
Susan Fisher says
Omg I’m laughing and crying at the same time because, although this post is funny, it is also SO TRUE!!! Thank you for sharing!